- Husband asks: Do you know the meaning of WIFE.
It means, ‘Without Information Fighting Every time
’ WIFE says: No,
it means ‘With Idiot for Ever’
Happy New Year 2015.
- The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office.
“What seems to be the problem?” the doctor asked.
“Well, I, uh,” she stammered.
“I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac.”
“I see,” he said.
“I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour.” “That’s not bad,” she replied.
“How much for all night?”
- God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, The good fortune to run into the ones that I do, And the eyesight to tell the difference.
- Dear lord!So far this year I’ve done well.I haven’t gossiped, I haven’t lost my temper, I haven’t been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I’m very thankful for that. But in a few minutes, Lord, I’m going to get out of bed, and from then on I’m probably going to need a lot more help.
- On New Year’s Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck – the bartender was almost crushed to death.
- On New Year’s Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. ‘What are you doing out here at four o’clock in the morning?’ asked the police officer.
‘I’m on my way to a lecture,’ answered Roger.
‘And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year’s Eve?’ enquired the constable sarcastically.
‘My wife,’ slurred Daniel grimly.
- A Senator in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whisky.
‘If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I’m against it. But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I’m for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise.’
- Jemima was taking an afternoon nap on New Year’s Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, ‘I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year’s present. What do you think it all means?’
‘Aha, you’ll know tonight,’ answered Max smiling broadly.
At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Jemima and handed her small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: ‘The meaning of dreams’.
- Peter, at a New Year’s party, turns to his friend, Ken, and asks for a cigarette.
‘I thought you made a New Year’s resolution to quit smoking,’ Ken responds. ’I’m in the process of quitting,’ replies Peter with a grin. ‘Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.’
‘Phase one?’ wonders Ken.
‘Yeah,’ laughs Peter, ‘I’ve quit buying.’
- A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
- My new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
- My New Year’s resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year’s resolutions.
- New Years Eve is the only acceptable time to wear body glitter without being mistaken for a stripper.
- I have only one resolution. To rediscover the difference between wants and needs. May I have all I need and want all I have. Happy New Year!
- This New Year’s I resolve to be less awesome since that is really the only thing I do in excess.
- People treat New Year’s like some sort of life-changing event. If your life sucked last year, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow.
- I wanna kiss you on December 31st from 11:59 pm to 12:01 am, so I can have an amazing ending to 2013 and a beautiful beginning into 2014.
- Many things can be preserved in alcohol this New Years Eve. DIGNITY is not one of them.
- Every year I make a resolution to change myself……. this year makeing a resolution to be myself!
- Just heard that in 2014 there will be a new device that can turn thoughts into speech. I have had that for years, it’s called alcohol.
- My New Years Resolution is to break my New Years Resolutions….That way I succeed at something!
- New Year’s is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don’t want you reusing last year’s calendar.
- There have been many times in 2013, when I have annoyed you, distubed you, irritated you, and bugged the hell out of you….today I just wanna tell you I plan to continue in 2014!
- What do you tell someone you didn’t see at New Year’s Eve? I haven’t seen you for a year!
- What’s the problem with jogging on New Years Eve? The ice falls out of your drinks!
- What do you call always having a date for New Year’s Eve? Social Security
- The waitress walks up to one of her tables and is shocked to see three Japanese men, all sat there masturbating violently.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” she screams.
One of the Japanese guys looks up and says, “Well, it says on the menu, First come, First served!”
- There’s a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.
The president of ‘Budweiser’ orders a Bud,
the president of ‘Miller’ orders a Miller Lite,
Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on.
Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody’s amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!
“Why don’t you order a Guinness?” his colleagues ask.
“Naah. If you guys won’t drink beer, than neither will I.”
- An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar and each orders a pint of beer. When the drinks arrive they notice that all three pints have a fly in them. The Englishman just looks at his pint in disgust and pushes it away. The Irishman picks out the fly with his fingers, throws it on the floor and proceeds to drink his beer. The Scotsman picks the fly out of his pint, and holds it over the drinking saying, “Come on you little git, spit it out!”
- One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: “Drinks for all on me including you, bartender.” So the bartender follows the drunks orders and says: “That will be $36.50 please.” The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. “What, no drink for me?” replies the bartender. “Oh, no. You get violent when you drink.”